Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
