dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize