toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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