So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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