Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
