when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
