my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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