I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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