____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
