I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
