My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize