so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
