I puked a lego.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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