I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
