you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
