I'm so fucking centered right now
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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