and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
