She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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