I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
