beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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