I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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