I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
