my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
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