I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Randomize
