Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
