Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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