It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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