We're facebook friends in real life
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
