I wish I could teleport
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
