how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
