It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
