i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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