while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
