My hand turned me down
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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