My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
