Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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