Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
