my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
