so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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