You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
