our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
