I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
