Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
dude. I can hear the air.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
