dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
