i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
