Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
