New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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