If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
