this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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