I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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