I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
