Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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