Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
