I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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