I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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