Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize