My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
