If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
